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by Mike Durrett

I have a lot of annoyances in my life.

1. Telemarketers who hustle me with mouthfuls of nine-letter alphabets and Cheese Nabs.

2. God's Muppet, that pink-haired cupie mummy on the religion channel.

3. The aimless Slouch and Totter Patrol drooling in my Wal-Mart way.

Does Wal-Mart copyright those people?

Oh, there are more peeves, but that's the bulk of my day and, besides, I don't want to appear inhospitable.

As you can imagine, it's a chore to come up with a never-ending flow of insults for these banes of my existence. That's why I'm glad I found the Biblical Curse Generator, "ready to smite your foes with a custom-made curse straight out of the Old Testament," promises Ship of Fools, the site's sacred trustee.

Here are a few heavenly venoms and we don't have to wait 'til Sunday to spout 'em:

• "Listen, O ye wayward winebibber, for you will be swallowed by a whale with excessively bad breath!"
  
  
• "May you beget difficult teenagers, thou love-child of Methuselah!"
  
  
• "I hope you will be trampled by a herd of stampeding pigs, thou armpit of Satan!"